I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
