So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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