I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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