you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
