I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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