the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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