peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
