Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
