Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
