Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
