And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
