tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
