my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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