its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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