Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I looked at my own cervix.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
