So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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