The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
