Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
