so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I believe in your delicious
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
