I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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