Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
