I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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