I smell stomach acid.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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