she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
