Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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