3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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