I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
