There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
