i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
