There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
