So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
