Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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