all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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