There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
where am i from again
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
