There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize
