my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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