wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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