umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
