I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
