fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
