yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
