There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
