Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
