Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
