then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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