I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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