im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
