Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
