____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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