I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
