A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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