i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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