i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
